November

This month I try to accept the loss of my beloved first-born son, Donnavon Shane Shanigan. As a mother and parent, I expected to precede him in death. The alternate scenario seems to break one of the most basic laws of nature. Just as I nurtured and guided him through infancy and youth, I expected him to be there to help and guide me through old age and dotage. His untimely death is difficult to comprehend, much less accept.

This cherished photo is Donnavon's first Thanksgiving. He was about 9 months old. My mother taught me that family gathers around a table of food on birthdays, holidays and other special occasions to celebrate the joy of the event. In this case, Donnavon was just beginning to eat solid food--you can see his high-chair tray litered with black olives and small bits of turkey. As a joke, his daddy handed him the entire turkey leg; Donnavon promptly stuck it in his mouth. The whole family laughed and someone grabbed a camera to record the comical scene.

I will miss Donnavon's insistence that I must bake pecan pie, as well as pumpkin. Last year he actually baked the pecan pie, a pecan chocolate version that he wanted to try. I will miss his dumping garlic powder on everything. I will miss his grumbling that last year's stuffing was better.

I miss Donnavon so much .... Here are some photos of Donnavon doing what he enjoyed most: http://donnavonshanigan.homestead.com/

My web site = http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com/

Thanks!

Folks, I greatly appreciate the words of sympathy and consolation. As many of you surmised, I do these pieces, not for sympathy, but to help me heal, grieve, and find my way in my new life.

Here's an article of interest: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/17/us/17methadone.html?pagewanted=1 Please be informed if you or someone you know, is taking painkillers.

Jeanette Shanigan
http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com

October

This month I face and try to accept cause of death issues. My husband suffered constant, acute pain, for which his doctor prescribed painkillers. One day he took too many and died. In his intense grief over the loss of his father, our son self-medicated with booze and a handful of his dad's painkillers. He died, too. I miss them both so much.......

September is done.

For my September journal page, I chose to bead my husband's favorite chair. It desperately needed to be replaced, as the stuffing was escaping in places. But hubby preferred to cover the holes with duct tape, because it was comfy like an old pair of slippers. I cut a square of the black leather out of the arm of the chair and used it for the chair in this square. His empty chair represents the empty spot in our lives.