April is done...

Hi Folks,

This month I try to deal with the anger surrounding my husband's and son's deaths. My square shows "accept" in the foreground and, indeed, this is the visage that I portray. But always, simmering and smoldering in the background is the "anger" monster--just waiting to rear its ugliness and helplessness. Truly, I know and accept what cannot be changed, but sometimes I just wish I could understand why.

My heartfelt thanks to all for the support and sympathetic comments as I work through my grief.

Jeanette Shanigan

http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com

March

This month I celebrate one of the aspects of our life together that my husband Gordon and I really enjoyed: traveling. During our 35-year marriage, we travelled in the US, Canada, and Europe. We lived in Germany for a year while I was a Fulbright exchange teacher and travelled there at least 8 more times with my students as part of an exchange program. After I retired, we discovered 'cruising' and figured out how to cruise on a retirement budget. We both enjoyed seeing new places and meeting new people together.

My square this month illustrates our last international trip together, a trip to Ireland in August 2005. My husband hated to have his picture taken, so I suspect his gesture reflects a "you better not be taking my picture" attitude. We were waiting for our tour of Newgrange (pictured in the background), a monolithic tomb, a bit northwest of Dublin. I found the coin among his things. The "photo corners" are beads that I used in a necklace that I made for him after the trip. I miss my travel partner.

As a result of our travels I have many wonderful memories and recollections of grand adventures together. It's nearly 9 months since my husband's passing. At this stage in the grieving process, I find that all those experiences are just a thought away. They will always be in my mind to offer comfort, provide inspiration, make me laugh, or any number of other needs and emotions. For example, my husband loved eggs and ham, so he thoroughly enjoyed the Irish breakfast. But I could never get him to even taste the fried tomatoes that typically come with an Irish breakfast. Neither one of us could ever figure out how pork n' beans came to be on the Irish breakfast plate either. Just little, funny, quirky memories of a lifetime together....

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! Celebrate with a shot of Jameson's Irish Whiskey as Gordon did in the distillery in Dublin!

Jeanette Shanigan

http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com/

February

Today would have been my son Donnavon's 33rd birthday, so my BJP square this month is all about him.

Donnavon's favorite color was purple, which always seemed a bit disconcerting to me, as he usually wore dark colors, jeans, carharts and so on. But I do remember that at his junior prom he rented and proudly wore a purple tux! His birthstone was the amethyst; maybe that had something to do with his favorite color choice. Scattered throughout the beadwork on this square are faceted amethyst rondelles.

Donnavon was an avid fisherman and he was very good at it, even as a young boy. I remember one camping trip to the Russian River on the Kenai. There were a dozen or so adult men on the river bank; no one was catching much of anything as we approached. Donnavon threw in his line and almost immediately pulled out a salmon. The men scowled and I'm sure thought 'beginner's luck.' In no time Donnavon had caught his limit; disgusted, the unsuccessful adult men wandered away, hoping for a change in luck upon return. So, Donnavon and his brother spent some time swimming in the river and harvesting hooks/lures that had been lost by other fisherman! The red hook on this square was hand-tied by Donnavon, a special rig that he swore by.

Today family, friends and relatives will celebrate his birthday with a get-together featuring favorite foods: lasagna, shoyu chicken, rainbow-chip birthday cake, and cookies 'n cream ice cream. Donnavon didn't care for vegetables, except fresh ones, so there will be a big green salad also. Donnavon would have loved it!

Jeanette Shanigan

http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com/

January

This month in the grieving process, I take on regrets. Hopefully, voicing the regrets will allow me to let them go. At the time of my husband's and son's deaths, I was at least a 1,000 miles away. Yet, I suppose it's human nature to believe it was still possible to do something that would have changed the final outcome. Some of my many regrets include the following:

1. "If only I had accompanied my husband Gordon home for his routine medical procedure." But he had had the procedure a half a dozen times before and I had to stay behind to do the job on the cruise ship. We both loved that job and wanted to finish the season together upon his return after a week.

2. "I wish our farewell had been more than a quick peck as Gordon left the ship." I remember thinking as I watched him quickly leave with the ship's agent, "Wow, that wasn't much of a good-bye kiss; what if I never see him again? Oh, don't be silly, he'll be back in a week."

3. "If only I could have found the right words to console my son Donnavon as I talked with him on the phone about his father's death." I tried. So did at least a dozen others, but apparently none of us had the magic words that he needed to hear.

4. "I wish I could have gotten off the ship and home faster; maybe that would have made a difference with my son." The ship was in the middle of the ocean when I received word of my husband's death. I made plans with my son Donnavon for him to pick me up at the airport when I arrived home the next day. As I waited in the airport for the plane, I called Donnavon to tell him the exact time of my arrival, only to be told by an EMT that Donnavon was dead.

5. "I regret that Donnavon's two kids now must grow up without a father and a grandfather." They miss them so much, as we all do.

My square includes some stars to remind that I am not an omniscient being, only a mere human. My husband always accepted and said, "When my number is up, it's up." As the one still holding a number, I must accept that the trick to life is weathering the storms and learning to dance in the wind & rain.

Jeanette Shanigan

http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com

Hi Folks,

Over 30 years ago I created Christmas stockings for my husband, two sons and myself. The stockings were carefully stored throughout the year and hung again each Christmas. As new members joined the family, I made new stockings for them. I have to confess that this year, the hanging of the stockings was virtually the last bit of my Christmas decorating. I didn't want to face the fact that I wouldn't be hanging two of the stocking this year.

So this month, my beaded square is a final Christmas stocking for my husband Gordon and son Donnavon. After I finished stitching the sides of the stocking, I symbolically stuffed it with all the family traditions that involved Gordon and Donnavon and sewed it shut. We're determined to remember the good times, but not to morbidly focus on the loss. We will adjust and find our way through this holiday season, as well as begin some new family traditions.

May you all have a wonderful holiday and a joyous new year.

Jeanette Shanigan

http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com

November

This month I try to accept the loss of my beloved first-born son, Donnavon Shane Shanigan. As a mother and parent, I expected to precede him in death. The alternate scenario seems to break one of the most basic laws of nature. Just as I nurtured and guided him through infancy and youth, I expected him to be there to help and guide me through old age and dotage. His untimely death is difficult to comprehend, much less accept.

This cherished photo is Donnavon's first Thanksgiving. He was about 9 months old. My mother taught me that family gathers around a table of food on birthdays, holidays and other special occasions to celebrate the joy of the event. In this case, Donnavon was just beginning to eat solid food--you can see his high-chair tray litered with black olives and small bits of turkey. As a joke, his daddy handed him the entire turkey leg; Donnavon promptly stuck it in his mouth. The whole family laughed and someone grabbed a camera to record the comical scene.

I will miss Donnavon's insistence that I must bake pecan pie, as well as pumpkin. Last year he actually baked the pecan pie, a pecan chocolate version that he wanted to try. I will miss his dumping garlic powder on everything. I will miss his grumbling that last year's stuffing was better.

I miss Donnavon so much .... Here are some photos of Donnavon doing what he enjoyed most: http://donnavonshanigan.homestead.com/

My web site = http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com/

Thanks!

Folks, I greatly appreciate the words of sympathy and consolation. As many of you surmised, I do these pieces, not for sympathy, but to help me heal, grieve, and find my way in my new life.

Here's an article of interest: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/17/us/17methadone.html?pagewanted=1 Please be informed if you or someone you know, is taking painkillers.

Jeanette Shanigan
http://shanigansbeadshenanigans.com